Listen to your heart
by Spikemaniac
Summary: SLASH AU  One evening brings forth memories of past times. But when Angel confronts Spike about their past, hostility awaits him. Sometimes remembering the past is not what the present needs. New memories have to be made to overcome what once has been...
1. Chapter 1

This story is nearly two years old. My English got better since then, so I hope you'll forgive me the mistakes I 've made.

**Listen to your heart**

**Part 1 - Confessions**

"Let's do something fun. I am bored and we never do fun stuff", demanded Cordelia from her co-workers.

"What do you understand by 'something fun'", Wesley asked quietly. He was afraid she thought about going out dancing or anything that would involve moving at all. Wesley was exhausted from their last case and wanted nothing more than going to bed and sleep for at least six hours, but this was Cordelia and he could not resist the possibility of spending time with her.

"Hey, that is not right. We have fun all the time."

"Angel, I mean actual fun. Not the one where we are slaying vampires or killing demons and your idea of having fun is slightly different from the rest of us." Cordelia rolled her eyes at her employer.

"Come on. Don't be so hard on the poof. How much more fun can the man endure? He had fun when he sat in his bloody office and brooded. Oh, and he nearly smiled when he was reading one of his dusty old boring books earlier. He is the incarnation of fun", Spike remarked sarcastically and threw Angel a challenging look. He couldn't let a possibility for pissing off the older vampire pass.

"Excuse me for wanting to have a little time to relax. Not everyone thinks of getting drunk and being rude to anyone around as fun." Angel really felt offended by Spike's remark. He wanted the blond to like him, but somehow they always ended up fighting over nothing.

Since Spike had appeared on his door-step three months ago, seeking shelter, because of the government and the modification behaviour chip, Angel tried to get close to him, but it was harder than he had ever imagined. One way or another Spike always succeeded in pissing him off. Nevertheless he didn't want him to leave. He felt more composed and happier since Spike had moved into the Hyperion.

It was difficult for Angel to sort his feelings towards the younger vampire out. Maybe it was just that one member of his family was back with him. But there were also the dreams. Every night for the past two months he had dreamed about the past, about hunting with Spike, laughing with him and snuggling with him after sex. If only he would see a way to make Spike remember those times, maybe then he would have a chance to take up again where they had left because of the soul.

Angel was lost in his thoughts and didn't notice the others talking. When Spike saw the distant look in Angel's eyes, he wanted to do nothing more than embrace him and kiss him back into reality and then straight to heaven. But there was by no means a chance that Angel would not kick him out or kill him instantly for even touching him. Sure, they had become closer since they worked together, he even became sort of friends with his humans, but the gap between them was too big to assume that they could be more than brothers-in-arms.

So Spike settled for the second possibility he had in being near to Angel. Pissing him off. This way Angel had to notice him, had to talk to him and sometimes even touch him. Although he really could live without being punched in the face. What was it with people and his nose?

"Angel, are you in on it? Hello, Mr tall-dark-and-broody. Angel!" The last part of Cordelia's attempt to get a reaction out of Angel succeeded, when he looked her in the eyes, startled by her yell.

"What? I was just thinking." When Cordelia's annoyed glance met his confused one, he answered without knowing what he should respond to. "Sure, I'm in. Sounds like fun."

Spikes snickered and shot a glance at the brown haired vampire. "I thought that was not your idea of fun, peaches. Getting wasted, slander and gossip about things. Too bad that you already agreed, 'cause it takes a man more brave than you to step up to Cordelia and change your decision."

Damn, Spike was right. He really did not want to tell Cordelia that he had not listened to her, so that she could get into a fit about him being selfish and inattentive whenever she was talking to him. The only way she would forgive him again, would be to go shopping with her or at least give her his credit card and hell would freeze over before he could handle another one of this traumatic experiences. Well, getting drunk and talking about fashion, celebrities and love was his program for the evening. Yeah, for him.

Two hours later they had drunk several bottles of alcohol and Cordelia was already giggling about Wesley's comments and started to check Spike out. Angel had to do something before Spike felt too flattered and did something Cordelia would regret and what would devastate Angel.

"Guys, it's really late. I think we should end this nice soiree now. We have a business to run in the morning."

"Ah, come on, Angel. You're a party-pooper. We are not done here. No way, Hosey! I wanna drink some more. It's fun." Cordelia's words were slurred.

"Cordy, you're going to be sick tomorrow", Angel tried to convince her.

"I'm going to see Nick tomorrow?" Apparently her hearing had suffered because of the alcohol, too. "Nick is a nice guy. He was the back-quarter … no the other way around, a quarterback and my boyfriend. He had this cute little nose and his eyes …hmmm."

"Cordelia, I don't know any Nick and I honestly couldn't care less about his 'cute little nose'. You are wasted. It is time to go home and get a good night's sleep."

Cordelia ignored his words. She thought about Nick and then she had the perfect idea. It would be like the old times when she still had female friends to hang out with.

"I have an idea. Let's tell each other about our first times. Guys, don't pull those faces on me. It will be fun. Please."

Cordelia batted her eyelashes and began to pout a little. Reluctantly the men agreed to her proposition. Damn, she was good. It worked every single time.

Cordelia went first, because it had been her suggestion and therefore Angel had to hear more about Nick's cute little nose and his muscular chest.

Afterwards she convinced Wesley to confess about his first time and with a lot of blushing and stuttering he managed to tell them how it had happened and with whom.

Angel got out of the affair fairly easy. More than two hundred years had passed since his first experience and although he tried to remember it and of course the woman too, he couldn't. Cordelia was enraged by his forgetfulness. She called him a heartless male chauvinistic pig and saw his lack of memory as an affront against women in general.

With a disgusted look she turned away from him and brought her immediate focus onto Spike.

"So, Spike do you at least remember your first time? I mean, hellooo, it's the FIRST TIME. How could someone forget something like this?"

Immediately vivid images of two naked bodies, teasing and stroking each other came to Angel's mind. His hair had been brown then, but the eyes were still the same. Eyes which had begged him to enter, to fill him and give him what he needed. Eyes which had beseeched him to be his first.

"Well, I haven't, but I've heard that a lot of people definitely would like to", responded Spike chuckling. Then he suddenly got serious. Without taking his eyes off of Angel, he began to tell his story. "I was 21 and her name was Cecily. We were deeply in love, before she left me. Stop laughing, cheerleader. This was the 19th century. Most women did not have sex before marriage, so it was a bit harder to get laid."

His comment made Cordelia and Wesley burst out in laughter again. They were too drunk to notice the sad expression on Angel's face. But Spike saw it and for a moment he felt hope that there could be more between him and Angel, but then the face of the older vampire was expressionless once again and Spike believed that he had imagined it. Clearly, the wish had been father to the thought.

After they all had told their respective first-time stories, Wesley yawned; he was definitely drunk, lacking sleep and did he mention drunk? He stumbled to his feet and pulled Cordelia up.

As soon as Angel saw him standing up, he went to the counter and called for a cab. Normally they could have both simply slept in the hotel, but he desperately needed to talk to Spike and it would be a lot easier for him if they would be alone.

The responsible man he was, he brought them outside and waited with them for the taxi. Then he told the driver the destination and quickly went back inside the hotel. He hoped that Spike had not already left.

When he stepped into the foyer, he saw Spike cleaning the remains of their little alcoholic excess. Spike stopped dead in his tracks when he noticed Angel's stern face but pulled himself immediately together again.

He lit a cigarette and dared Angel with a look to stop him from smoking, but Angel didn't even raise an eyebrow at Spike's actions. His thoughts were occupied with the one question that lingered in his mind since their first-time confessions. That was why he spat the words out without paying attention to his harsh tone of voice.

"Why did you lie?"

"Pardon me?" Spike asked pissed off.

"Why did you lie about your first time? Are you ashamed of what we had? Don't tell me you have forgotten it. I wouldn't believe you."

The tension in Spike boiled over. He would not stand here and let Angel fuck with his mind. Did the poof really think that he would acknowledge and worship the 'great' Angelus and his relationship with him in front of the humans? Why should he? So that they could laugh about him or stroke Angel's ego? No friggin' way!

"That right? And why should I remember it at all? You want me to remember pain and me bloody heart being ripped out of my chest? Being used? That it? That would make you happy, you soddin' wanker?"

Angel felt heartbroken by the angry words.

"No, I don't want you to feel that way. I'm sorry, I brought this up. Goodnight, Spike."

"We had nothing, Angel."

Angel closed his eyes and nearly choked on the bitter words. He hurried up the stairs and was glad when he could close the door to his room behind himself.

Therefore he didn't hear the words that were muttered by Spike who now stood alone in the foyer and looked up at the stairs where the man he had fallen in love with over the past few months had disappeared.

"We had nothing. I wish it would have been you. I wish you would have been my first, not Angelus. I wish…"

TBC...


	2. Chapter 2

_**  
**__Due to the rules of I had to erase a small part of the fic with explicit content. Though it was only a few lines and does not change the story at all…_

_**Part 2: New beginnings **_

It was silent in the Hyperion hotel when the morning dawned. It was silent when it became noon. Normally Wesley and Cordelia would have been here, working on the computer or searching through old books. But not today.

Fortunately Angel had given them both a day off, as if he had known that the last thing he wanted today was company. Spike had left the hotel after their fight, he was sure about that. He had definitely left and would not come back at all. He had wrecked the little connection they had built over the last few months.

He really had hoped that Spike would acknowledge them and would still feel something too. But it seemed as if he was alone with his feelings and memories. Again alone.

When he heard steps coming up the stairway he groaned and pulled the blanket over his head. He did now want to talk to Cordelia right now. A soft knock startled him for Cordelia was more the type of opening the door and then knocking. Nevertheless he needed some free time from the real world today and therefore didn't answer.

The visitor seemed persistent and knocked again, ignoring the possibility of Angel still sleeping.

"Go away!"

"Angel, can we talk?"

Angel sat straight up in his bed as he heard Spike's voice calling through the door.

"Ehm, sure, just a second." He barged out of bed and ran into the adjoining bathroom. He slipped into some of his discarded clothes and quickly brushed his teeth. Sure Spike only wanted to talk and had no interest whatsoever in him, but that didn't mean that he had to walk around unwashed and barely clothed.

In the meantime Spike became uncertain if this was really a good idea. Maybe he had read Angel's expression wrong yesterday and it had been all about his ego and not about hurt feelings. But he had decided to find it out once and for all.

He lifted his hand to knock again when the door was torn open and an anxious looking vampire stood in front of him.

"Spike, I'm sorry."

"Angel, I'm sorry."

The room was filled with tension.

"Wait, Angel. Let me speak first. Or else I will never be able to do it."

"Okay, come in and have a seat."

"Well, I would rather stand, but you should sit down, because what I will tell you could be rather shocking." 'And I would have a head start if you decide to kill me', Spike thought.

"Angel, I want you to…No, wait. I will rephrase this. I would like you to…No, that's not good either. Would you…? Bloody hell, this is harder than I thought."

Spike had begun to walk to and fro in the room and was startled when two strong arms surrounded him and turned him around. When he looked in Angel's brown eyes, he had to gulp. Maybe it had been a mistake coming here.

"Spike, whatever it is you can tell me. I am not going to judge you or yell at you, okay?"

"I want you to sleep with me", Spike blurted out without thinking.

"Pardon me?" Angel was sure that he had misheard.

"I thought about our talk yesterday, you know and I realized that I would have rather slept with you for my first time than with Angelus and you looked so hurt when I said that I didn't want to remember and so I thought that maybe you still feel something or if you haven't before that you maybe now feel something and…"

Spike's rambling was interrupted by Angel's soft lips. He closed his eyes and let the emotions engulf him.

"I am not going to sleep with you, fuck you or shag you or whatever expression you may normally use for it." Spike's shoulders dropped down and he began to push himself out of Angel's tight embrace. "I am going to make love to you. Do you like that idea?"

Spike's answer was that he pressed himself harder against Angel's muscular body.

"Oh yes, I am going to make love to you all night long like this is our first time."

"It is our first time, Angel. I've never been with you. I've been with Angelus, but not with the man I love."

Angel had to take a deep breath, although he didn't need it for living, but Spike's honest reply made him weak in his knees.

"So this is not about the past? You are in love with me? You really fell in love with me?" Angel sounded like a child who gets a long desired wish fulfilled. His eyes lit up, filled with love and desire. "I love you too, Spike."

"You do? I mean, of course you do. Who would not fall in love with me, 'cause I am…well, me. You really are?"

"Spike!"

"Okay, shutting up now. So someone said something about making love? How are you going to do that?"

"I thought that maybe I could start here."

Angel closed Spike's mouth with his and kissed him softly.

"That's a good start. What comes next?", asked Spike with a passionate expression.

"Now we could do a little bit of this."

Angel began to nibble his way from Spike's chin to his left ear and down on his neck. Spike moaned softly. His neck was one of his most sensual parts and Angel seemed to remember it from their former experiences.

"And maybe a bit of that?" Spike began to unbutton Angel's shirt and kissed every inch of skin he exposed.

"Yes…" Angel hissed his agreement. He ripped Spike's t-shirt in a half and pressed their naked chests together. His lips searching for their home, his tongue searching for the sweetness that was Spike.

From this moment on words were unnecessary. Their eyes told each other everything they needed to know.

Clothes fell down to the floor as hands touched first frantically then tenderly, realizing that there was no hurry. Entangled they lay down on the bed and began to discover the other again. Too much time had passed since they had felt the respective other and although the territory was not new, it still felt like the very first time that their skin came in contact with each other.

Angel buried Spike underneath him and started to discover every spot of his body. He touched, licked and kissed his way down from Spike's soft blond hair to his shoulders and made the younger vampire squirm under him.

Probingly he dipped his tongue into the belly button, never leaving his eyes off of the beautiful face that had haunted his dreams for so long. He adored the way how Spike shut his eyes and took in a deep breath whenever he lingered at one of his especially sensual zones. But he simply loved the moans which were getting louder and louder the further he went down on the lean body.

The need to become one with his lover was overwhelming, but Angel held back. He wanted it to be special; he needed to convince Spike that this was not just about sex.

He slowly prepared Spike, for pain could be later on a part of their loveplay, but not today. Light thrusts were interrupted by the love making of their tongues. The rhythm changed when they came closer to their peak. […

Angel lay panting besides Spike, fully sated by their love making.

"I love you, Spike."

"This isn't going to work." Spike sat up and searched for his clothes.

"What are you talking about? I think it worked really good."

"That was sex. This thing between us, whatever it is, isn't going to work. I'm sorry, Angel. Me, I'll always remember Angelus and you see somethin' in me I haven't been for a very long time. The two of us together, it's just a matter of time before we'll hate each other for the past and present and I don't think that I could live with that. You know, they say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. We know that I'm love's bitch and will always be, but I'd rather don't know this love, 'cause losing it – you - would definitely destroy me. I can't risk my heart again."

Angel pulled Spike back to bed and pushed him down with his weight.

"So you take the cowardly way out? Is that it? You're too much of a coward to risk something? I love you. But I guess this – us - is not as important to you as it is to me!"

The blond pushed the taller vampire off of him and paced off the room.

"I love you, Angel. I really do. And I am man enough to admit it, but don't ask me to rip my heart out of me chest. No, don't say a word. Sooner or later you will leave me again. It's just what you do. What you'll always do. No one stays with me for the long run. How can I believe that I am coming first this time?"

"I can't do more than give you my word that we are going to make this work. Don't give up on us, just because it could be difficult. Of course it will be. We are not the two easiest persons to be around, but I am sure about my feelings. They will not change tomorrow, the day after tomorrow or next month. Look me in the eyes and tell me that you really don't want to be with me. Tell me and I will leave you alone."

Brown eyes met blue ones as Angel tried his best to convince Spike of his sincerity.

"Give us a chance. The moment you feel insecure or overlooked or handled wrong by me, you tell me and we will figure it out. I will do whatever it takes to make you believe in me again."

"Even change your pansy hair?"

"Whatever it takes. I promise that I will do everything I can to make you the happiest man on earth. Either dead or alive. Do you hear me, Spike? I promise you that I am never going to leave you ever again. Wherever you will go, I'll follow you. I am not going to leave you and you can kick my ass whenever you think I behave poorly or treat you wrong."

"Well, then you're in for a whole lot of spanking." Spike grinned mischievously.

"You make it sound anything but bad. So what do you say? Can you give us a try? Can you give me a chance?"

Silence filled the room.

"I…Okay, I'm going to risk it. But be warned the second you just think you made the wrong decision, is the second I am out of here."

"That's fair. But it ain't going to happen. So do we have a deal?" Angel stretched out his hand.

"Deal." Spike ignored his hand and pressed his lips on Angel's. The older man embraced him happily and together they lay down on the bed. Kissing as if there was no tomorrow…


End file.
